LIFE // Feeling Insecure

This kinda post isn't the norm for my blog - I've never just written about my thoughts and feelings like this before!  Below is a dodgy selfie picture of myself. I look pretty happy and I've made an effort for a night out. I look kind of confident. But inside I feel like the most insecure person. And there are many reasons why I feel this way.


This would be kind of surprising on a first meeting with me but it's something I have to battle with inside my head on a daily basis. The dictionary definition of the word 'insecure' is, in regards to a person, "subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured" (dictionary.com). 


I am very outgoing and quite chatty so I don't come across as being an insecure person to other people. I'm not quite sure where my insecurity of myself came from, all I know is I am insecure and I don't like people knowing about it.

My insecurities lead me to be quite self conscious and sensitive to what other people say to me. One comment can linger inside my brain for days, even months sometimes, and I just cannot shake it off. an example of this is that years ago I had quite a successful YouTube channel (way before YouTube took off like it is now) that I regularly uploaded to. I used to do beauty hauls and make up tutorials and I was really happy and content; it was something I loved doing. I always got great feedback and chatty comments on the videos but one day someone wrote "You need to wax your eyebrows, they are disgusting". And that was virtually the end of my YouTube career.

I use the same channel now but all of my old videos (except one where you can't see my face) are hidden. I am desperate to get back into filming as it is what I enjoy doing most but there is always that niggly comment in the back of my head that someone could comment on something that I feel is insignificant and dent my confidence again. I am slowly getting back into uploading film again but it's going to take time before I can totally say I'm not worried about people commenting on my appearance.

As a woman, as much as I hate to say it, there are huge pressures on what you should look like. I know what society sees as pretty, I know what society sees as ugly and I know where I fit in on that scale. Working in the cosmetics industry seems like a bad idea for someone who claims they are so self-conscious and insecure but on most days I get along fine. There are the odd bad days where someone will suggest I don't know what I'm talking about as my 'skin is quite spotty' or I 'don't have enough gray hairs to know' but most I can brush off. 

What I have learnt is that most times when people comment on your appearance, it is because they are insecure themselves. And it is something we are all guilty of. You're lying to yourself if you say yo have never once commented in some way on someone else's appearance. We're all scared of these judgements yet we do it on a day to day basis to try and soothe our own fears and insecurities. At work, my customers put a lot of trust in my hands to help them with something that is making them feel insecure and it is so comforting to see that so many people have something they worry over that is personal to them. The other satisfying things is that, as I help all my customers, I know that one day someone will be able to help me get over whatever I'm feeling insecure about. whether it's just a case of waiting it out or an actual person doing something to help, you can fix any self doubt you have. Everything in time will come and every negative feeling can pass. I'm getting a little less sensitive and more open to accepting people's opinions of me. Maybe one day I'll be back to regular YouTube posting!

Sorry this was a totally random and rambling post. Let me know if you like the more personal blog posts, or if there is any kind of topic you'd like me to chat about, and we can chat a bit more on Geek Gets Glam :) Thank you so much for reading!
 
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6 comments

  1. There are some really horrible people :( *massive hug* I used to enjoy watching your YouTube videos and I know exactly how you feel, I feel quite insecure in myself at the moment and tend to hide it with coming across so bubbly to mask how I feel inside xxxxx

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    1. In my recent ones (that I've done as Geek Gets Glam) I really make effort with my make up etc haha so you've probably seen those. The old ones are like 4 years old, I'm still proud of them I'm just not ready to make them public again (I am like 14 in them too haha) xxxx

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  2. What a lovely honest post and I think many people can relate to what you feel, I know I do! Forget the horrible people and the nasty comments, do what makes you happy! Xx

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    1. Thanks Jodie! I am getting more confident over the years (my old youtube is like 5 years old now) so I think slowly I am getting back into it. Thank you for the lovely comment :) xxxx

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  3. Your blog is amazing! I do really like it! I know how much time it requires, but you did a really good job! Keep doing it!) I’ll be happy to see you in my blog!

    Diana Cloudlet
    http://www.dianacloudlet.com/

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  4. People suck. I hope one day you can get back to doing what you love. Love your blog too
    Beth x
    Mermaid in Disguise

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