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Coming to terms with a break-up


Break-ups are hard. Trying to come to terms with the idea that someone you loved and cared for no longer wants to be with you is the most unbearable and heart breaking feeling you can face. But, the fact of the matter is, unless you're extremely lucky, you will have to deal with it at some point in your life.

I know the feeling very well; if you follow me on social media you'll be aware that my long-term boyfriend and I have been broken up since the beginning of January. Honestly, I'm still not over it. It's been very difficult to accept for me, as I haven't been given any closure and it kind of ended up in the air via text. But that's another story...

Having said that I'm struggling with it, I have found ways to make it easier for me to deal with and move on with life. I don't know if I'll ever get over him, but I'm pretty sure I can get over it. I've put together some things I've found helped me the last few weeks with this break-up. It gets a little personal at times, so apologies in advance!



Force yourself to see people
I think it is natural to be inclined to hide under your duvet for the rest of the year following a break up, but being alone makes things so much worse. I did not, like really did not, want to socialise with anyone. I didn' want to talk about it, I didn't want to see other people during the times I would have seen my ex, I just didn't want to be around anyone but myself.
Miraculously, because I'm well known for being a bit of a misery at times in my friend group, I forced myself to go round my friend's house. Then I went to Oxford with another friend. I caught up with a friend I'd not seen in ages, and then from there I arranged a night out with a couple of friends I'd not seen in a while. I made myself see people because by nature we are social beings. Going from spending every spare second with someone you love, to being completely alone is soul destroying so force yourself to see your friends or family. Make your friends force you if you have to. You will feel so much better just being around people you know and trust.

Box your memories up, and store them out of sight
My ex has bought me a lot of valuable, money and sentimental, objects over the time we've been together. I hated seeing them in my room. I hated having to use things that he'd bought me; it was a constant reminder of him and how much impact he had on my life.
My initial reaction was to dump it all at a charity shop, or on a bonfire, but I talked myself down. Those gifts and memories are part of your life, they won't just disappear if you burn them or sell them on. I knew I'd miss them as soon as I'd permanently got rid of them so I bought an empty box, packed everything that reminds me of him in it, sealed it, and hid it under the bed. It's still there now.
It's important to prevent thinking about your ex as much as possible while you heal, but you can't just pretend it never happened, especially if it's a long term partner. Do yourself a favour and temporarily hide it away.

Block your ex on everything (for the time being)
The hardest thing I have had to do. I am a self-confessed social media obsessive. I will 'Facebook stalk' people for hours, I'm sure we've all been guilty of something similar in the past! But, at the end of the day, it is obsessive and stalking behaviour which is unnecessary.
I knew I would be on my ex's social media channels every day unless I flat out blocked him. I've even deleted his number. I can't tell you how much I want to have a quick peek on his time line but, in the long run, it really isn't worth the hassle. I'm happier not knowing. I find it makes the healing process a little easier as you're not bombarded with pictures of your ex all the time, or the temptation to drop a text when you miss them (something I'm also guilty of).
You have to remember that in this day and age, it is almost impossible to permanently delete someone from your life. You can always unblock them in the future, so what's the harm in temporarily deleting them until you feel strong enough to see them again? The best way to tackle it is block and delete ex off all social media, write down their contact number in a notebook somewhere so you still have it if you need it in the future, then delete their number too. Trust me, it's easier on your heart this way.

Do not bitch about your ex
I have rarely spoken a bad word about my ex, so I was kind of surprised to find out he'd been talking behind my back about me to his entire friend groups. It wasn't kind, or fair, of him to do that and makes the situation a tonne worse than it needs as it adds more negative feelings on top of the already existing ones.
Bitching about your ex, or their family or their new partner, feels like the right thing to do but it is a load of negative energy that isn't needed. Your opinion is one-sided, and obviously in your favour, so your friends will get an unjust view of your ex which isn't fair at all. Plus, if you ever reconcile with your ex, it will be almost impossible for them to integrate back to your friend group now they have a skewed view.
Be an adult, and talk about your ex as neutral as possibly to friends. This will only do yourself justice in the long run; you will get unbiased advice on the whole situation plus you'll not have any bitter feelings in the long run. It's normal to go through a phase of hating your ex, especially if they have cheated, but it's not worth sinking to a low level of bitching.

"Give it time"
My best friend keeps repeating this to me. When she first said it, I couldn't even comprehend thinking beyond the next day - how was I supposed to live feeling this much pain? There was honestly times where I felt like my heart had stopped and I would wake up crying or with excruciating chest pains. Fast forward a week or two later, and I feel kind of numb about the whole thing. The feelings are still there, of course, but they aren't taking as much of a hit on my body.
I chose to look after myself. For the first time in a long while, I can just focus on myself and ignore that part of my brain that was missing my ex. It is hard, I can't deny that. And when I say I feel numb, I literally mean that the feeling makes my body feel numb. It's quite strange, but been made easier by cutting ties with my ex for a while, and taking time to look after myself.
I think if I saw him now, I'd be taking steps back. I'm not quite there yet, but I do believe that in time I will be able to see him and talk it out maybe. You just have to have faith that in time and seeing the future - you will make yourself feel better.

Truth bomb: You're going to feel like crap when you go through a break up, no matter the reason why. You will be in denial, you'll be angry and you'll grieve for some time but you have to look after yourself as much as you can to help heal. My advice is reap the little benefits of post-break up feelings and use it as a time to reconnect with yourself.

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3 comments

  1. So true. This was a very good post, been there done that. Haven't we all. I know you will get through this, keep positive and you will be fine. Much love x

    F x

    thefrancescadiaries.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. Awh sweetie, I'm so sorry! I'm right there with you - my long-term relationship with my childhood best friend ended abruptly two weeks before Christmas and it was sort of due to some things going on in his and his families life... It's such a complicated situation and things are still very much up in the air for us too so I completely understand the feeling of no closure.

    I completely agree with your post, looking after yourself and focusing on you is the best way forward. It has helped me so much and doing those little things to better yourself helps distract you throughout the day. That and making myself socialise, spending time with friends and family really does do wonders. It does get better, and you do start to have more better minutes in the day than bad and then eventually more better days than bad. Keep your head held high, focus 100% on you and making yourself happy, try to remain positive but let yourself feel the sadness when needed. You'll be okay! <3

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